When we got there, it was already eleven o’clock P.M. This was a small restaurant in Chinese city, he treated me one cup of ice water. Although it was the evening of Valentine’s Day, there were no many customers, only several couples chatting around the table.  At this moment, the man was holding the chin with his arms, which seemed to fall heavily down to the table if he was careless. To tell the truth, I had been familiar with this kind of gesture, what meant he needed to go to bed like I wanted to lie down and rest.

  He had been a decrepit person already, but when I faced him, I didn’t feel unhappy at all for this. In fact, whereas did I have kind of warm feeling. I felt he can protect me, show consideration to me, and look after me like a father.

  He fetched a small silky flower on the table and passed it to me without saying anything, the flower he was raising was like the candy stick that the kid usually raises.

  This flower was a red rose, when I held it tightly, I comprehended what grease was people once described. But no matter how dirty it was, I felt its greasy degree was still not far enough; in fact, I hoped its greasy degree can glue me hard. There were no flowers in my past life. Accepting a flower was a wonderful thing, which can move my soul thoroughly. The way I got happiness was just receiving a rose from a man but not a greasy rose!

  I didn’t know how he felt when he gave the flower to me, but I knew what the feeling of accepting a flower was.  For many years, people said beauty was like the blossom of flower. It’s hard for me to judge whether I got a belief from the saying. Maybe I was just like a beautiful woman, finding out something about beautiful imagination. Although my experiences told me, this feeling was funny and ludicrous; I believed it was a normal feeling in some degree. I even had impulse to be his wife and give birth to children for him. Ignoring his decrepitude and limited life, I felt he was great because he kissed me that evening; my five sense organs including my mouth, my nose, my face and also my ear were all kissed by him, which made me excited. Although the posture he kissed me was inferior, and he wasn’t an experienced person either; I hardly burst into my tears.
We had no vivid conversation, also had nothing to talk about. In fact, all of these are redundant, so our communion was only simple dialogues or necessary questions and answers, which was enough to become our full nourishments. Then we both thought of one result -make love. Because of making no love for a long time, I even hoped earnestly to make love. But, today I hoped to keep this feeling more without sexual behavior, I felt not only empty but also very tired, such of the mere trifle made me feel so much sweet, and this small action made me feel astounding, the world changed thoroughly for this .

  I knew the expectation of Chinese here for eating was strong, but we ate nothing because of a tired day, we preferred going to bed to eating. We ate two mouths carelessly, which had the explanation to the belly on the whole. Then he took me to his residence.

  I was surprised that the place he lived was so small; in fact I had thought nobody could live in a smaller room than me, but I unexpectedly faced such place. There was no standing room after opening the door; we had to stay in bed. But the called bed was only a quilt, which was just in size of bed. Fortunately, we didn’t need to sleep on the ground; otherwise I would think I was sleeping in the wild countryside.

  I needed a man just like I needed air because I feared failure just like I feared death. The happy feeling was mediocre; the man’s body is tasteless. All the magnificent dreams were only established in the imagination. After taking off his clothes, I had to admit, he was really common heading for a thoroughly decrepit man, which was the same as woman’s appearance of decrepitude. His breast descended to hang, and the belly was flabby; the unique point can be praiseworthy was that he had not been a hunchback, which made me doubt my wonderful wishes about man. For a moment, I even lost fun; I tried hard to look for my memories concerning love and descriptions of love many years ago: wonderful appearance, magic rays of light, strong muscle, solid arms…

  This man didn’t feel embarrassed because of his commonness and the decrepitude; he even ignored my feelings after the body was bare. Now, his desire stood up, making me flop down, he kissed my whole body with his lip madly. After feeling comfortable, my living creature won my appreciation about beauty: I forgot the link between beauty and men, I also forgot the question concerning value in the meantime, and I was absorbed thoroughly in simple physiology characteristic that was awaked by a kind of instinct. At this time, the living fun returned to my heart again, I relaxed so much that there was no time looser than the moment. I was infatuated with it completely, and hoped the happy time to arrive as early as possible. Regardless who was, no matter how it was, anyway I was stirring to seek pleasant among them ……

He was really very old, his face was full of wrinkles, the eyes had already started to draw down because of his years,  sometimes the mouth still flew saliva insensibly when he was asleep …but I discovered once we existed the relation, his decrepitude hadn’t become the real hinder that we develop our relationships. The other way round, we were even more harmonious, which was because I felt that the man’s strength was huger than all of things.

  I was excited when I lied around his arms comfortably. I thought: I can also sleep sweetly even in such a small room.

This night was a night in which I had a house, this night was a peaceful and quite night, and this night was also a night with safe assuring .closing my eyes, I thought of the special rose in this man’s bosom, allowing time to spend lavishly, let me thoroughly forget the days my emotions wandered …

  On my way home, I walked wrong because my brain was always surrounding the rose, which was not noticed by anyone or even waited for being deserted. The more I thought, the nobler its rustic became, the cleaner its grease became. He gave such a flower to the woman who was extremely hungry and thirsty in affection, and she accepted it happily. Indeed he was a man of power. It was his performance to inflate my enthusiasm, I started to own a little confidence, which was not enough, my confidence should come my satisfaction with successful business. However, I had to admit that: the man from the country made my spirit invigorate .I could walk on the streets and alleys without any destinations, sometimes I would also like to go through the subways and stores if I want. I can go deep into the society, but can also live alone.

  From then on, we always went to the small restaurant to have night snack at the time of boredom. Each time, he didn’t forget to pass the dirty red rose to my hand, which was my only physic food I can continue my miserable life in foreign country. One day I unexpectedly put it in my schoolbag, and stubbornly thought it was a fresh and brilliant rose.

  I felt this old man was very friendly to me, even treated me kindly, but I always felt the way he treated me was different from what I did for him. In fact, this can’t become the obstacle between us, completely can’t. Wasn’t I gradually filled with enthusiasm of life? Didn’t I begin to concern the vital meaning about life? Didn’t I have the desire to own a family more and more eagerly in mind?  I was falling in love with him.

    My unique anxiety here was I absolutely couldn’t be pregnant, but this problem had to be controlled by myself in particular. Although my body hadn’t been as healthy and fresh as before, broken here and there, losing original appearance completely from my face to my vagina, always can’t recover to its previous appearance. However, I still treated my body as ancient jewelry and put it away because it was my only life line to live in the world.

  My relationship with this man had already been more and more mature; we needed each other so much that no one can divide us. Although this happiness was not that kind of happiness I wanted, however it had made me feel happy. Of course, I would be happier in the future. The happy life I was struggling for in my life started appearing slowly finally, which buried all my previous failures gradually. At this time, came the spring, all kinds of creatures started recovering.

  I always thought recently: “I am perhaps unsuited to him, but we depend on each other for living.”

  I thought once I mention the request for the marriage, he would consent gladly .Perhaps we would have a simple but small-scale wedding. This day, we arrived at the restaurant, but after I expressed my wishes, he became silent. Neither expressing consent nor saying anything, his silence meant something terrible had happened. He even forgot to pass the dirty rose on to me.

  Suddenly I felt I didn’t know this person, although we usually slept in the same bed .I knew nothing about his circumstance, it seemed that he was only one of my guests. I produced this doubt, so he exceeded my apprehension far. He was the appearance we met first, holding chin with arm, the facial expression showed tired. All were the same with the beginning except for the rose. I didn’t want to know anything far more than my interest in knowing everything, I could have a basic judgment even he would say nothing.

  We ordered a lot of dishes, but we both had no appetite, this dinner had been the most flourishing one since we acquainted each other, I even thought of “the dinner of end”. If I had substantial progress in the aspect of failure, which represented at this time, my tears died, completely. Why the problem always happened on me, I didn’t know this but I knew the answer clearly in another way. For success I was a beggar who was little money, but for fail I was one veteran expert.

  He thought I would start my talk with the monkey changing to person, but I hardly concerned about the development of the monkey. I was silent as he did, just a little exhausted .In fact, and my experience on failure was far more than his imagination. A while later, he said: I cheated you, but you know I wasn’t intentional, I love you.
I had no special reaction hearing the words, even became much quieter compared with the beginning.

He seemed to be more nervous than me, and then he asked eagerly: Don’t you want to know?

  Because of my silence, it t showed that I was calmer. What I didn’t need most was to know the truth of the case.

  However he was almost restless, he started to be excited, “I cheated you, didn’t you know?”

  I thought this was no doubt obvious, but I would not like to mention this affair. I still kept my exhausted but quiet appearance.

  He went crazy because his beguilement didn’t make a person accept defeat, but made her stronger in contrast.

  “Why don’t you listen to me? Let me tell you the fact.”  He was completely like a kid, losing age.

  Compared with him, it seemed that I was in his age; losing kid’s sort of immature. I only needed to know when I failed, as for the question why I failed; I thought that was not my problem. But one day, if I wouldn’t like to know what fail was, life would be no meaning for me.

  He was not only excited but also became more and more sincere, as if the lies didn’t take place at all. “I have a wife, didn’t you hear it?”  He said loudly that seemed to be justifiable as a cheater, begging justice to return.

  The only regret I felt was: Why did not block up his mouth in time, let the fact he cheated me thoroughly rot in his belly. Perhaps his lies would become a fresh and beautiful rose; perhaps his spirit would collapse someday.

  I heard clearly, and maintained the same equanimity as he told lies at the beginning. If what he spoke at first was all factual words, the relationship between him and me seemed to be a plot, disobeying the expectation people gave me. Therefore, I could be calm when he told lies, but I lost the plot when he told the truth .Saying tangibly, as he told the truth I had the concussion, which seemed to be a mess. I respected him, the affection depended on him, my body needed him ……all of these were my wrong, which was that I still wanted to have a happy life. If I was like a dog, only knew how to look for food, to send out sad vision and wave honest tail towards its host that the world would be more peaceful. Because of the soul like mine, the world just seemed to need various kinds of laws and logical rules, which was obvious.

  My silence was different from before, it was closed to fearfulness if took into analytical words. In fact it showed gentle and obedient indeed when such terrible conversion became quiet. Telling the truth to the world, he held his head high, but I didn’t give up my silent behavior, which was the performance that he wanted, and also the result that I wanted to express.

    Our expressions were so harmony again, but it was in harmony on the important problem. How we could reach the same point, it was not his concession but was my compromise. In addition to this, I had no better exit; my exit was to accept the fact and regarded everything I knew as unknown things. We would continue a kind of contact and body relation again, I thought: was this living creature chain?

  He said: I had no sexual relation with her, what I do just proceeds from my morality; we can keep each other as before.

  I appreciated his words a little, so I looked at his eyes. And he also watched my eyes at this time. It seemed he gave me a particular exit, which was the kind of charity that I can’t refuse; I had no other way out, having no choice more. He devoted his mind to stare at my eyes, but I knew, he was probably not let me leave him, also didn’t want me to be closed to him, which was my best position to men. Perhaps one day I would be pointed out that my position have deviated the direction, but what I can do will be just to adjust myself limitedly, and dream with the greasy rose.

  My compromise was my failure, but my failure made me have the destiny that I had to make peace with him. In several months, his wife would come, floating here by steamer on the sea. I knew his meaning when he told it to me. In order to meet his wife and send me away in the meantime, he spent 1 dollar buying a rose, which was a real natural rose with dew, fresh and beautiful. In fact, the flower was full of stabs, I watched the rose just like looking at a person, but I didn’t stretch hand to catch it.

  At this time, he stood up and sat next to me, then grasped my hand with his rough hand: Forgive me, I had no other choices. I love you so much. I will see you as soon as possible, all right?

  I felt his rough hand was that greasy rose …proceeding from my own despair and punishment for love, proceeding from lots of reasons that can not express clearly, I wanted to cry, which seemed to make a judge on my past. I said: Don’t look for me from now on; live happily with your …

  We were both tired this evening. He hugged me and kissed my hair, I asked him in a soft voice: Will I really leave you from now on? But it seemed that the question should ask me. He was touched by something, so he kissed me madly, repressing my action stubbly. At first, I felt this man loved me indeed, he had intension for love. Later on, I felt more and more that he was like animal a little because this was not kissing but biting. I can’t endure the ache wherever his mouth arrived, my body and my nipple, which were all places that disaster took place. Now, he was like a fierce beast, I predicted to have a growing danger I can’t block off. At some moment he made me suffocate, I had to struggle constantly; When I got a chance I said: I don’t like this kind of way …however he seemed not to hear this, just kissed me eagerly, I hardly stood his heavy body, which I had to accept because of rejecting nothing. For a moment, I almost can’t breathe. I even thought: I will sleep forever, my whole body is covered with wounds, the vision is frightened while white liquid was running in my vagina…I struggled strongly, hoping to keep life, I said strongly: I can’t breathe …this kind of sad voice was faint, it produced a sound just in the man’s mouth, and then drowned there…almost had no tone, only have volume. He was more and more fierce, more and crazy, my resisting would be my doomsday, and my obedience would be my good luck in some degree. But, my life requested me to breathe, even if the last breath. A little freedom by this time was basic promise for life. Unfortunately, what I can’t resist was I can’t breathe, which was very cruel, cruel. At this time, my consciousness jumped all matters, my sufferings excelled all pains. I was thinking all the time: Maybe I will leave this world from now on, leave my body under a man. This was the place that I had been looking for, this was my end-result this was all I felt meaningful …everything would perish in an instant, no one would know a person’s perishing was because of making love in the world, was because of being looking for on her way, was because of not leaving this way away so that lost all. So who would think I still need a serious report about my death?

  Fortunately, the life gave me an exit because the man changed a posture, and his mouth started biting my breast madly. Great, I could breathe, which occupied all my desires. No matter how my condition was miserable, I could breathe, breathing fresh air. Now, my short body was turned around easily, just like people turned a helpless tortoise. At the moment, I was in the top and he was in the bottom so that I faced him, a crazy person; but even so can not make me acquire freedom. To my surprise, he embraced me with an arm, the other hand began to beat my body from hip to back, once, once, more and more heavily. Freedom is valuable, but the price of love is higher. Yes, I had no thought, no emotion, but in addition to this I owned all. I didn’t need to breathe, even didn’t need freedom. I only needed to be played with by men. But I certainly believed this was an intense emotion from intense emotion of love. The way the man loved me was so special that I can’t resist.

  I came back, which was my life; I breathed, which was my freedom; I wept, which was the woe that I was a person.  My tears dropped on the man’s body, on his face, the inside of his mouth ……I cried sadly, proceeding from various reasons. My tears were brushing a kind of thing. I felt surprised there was so much sadness storing in my body.
  He stopped because he was frightened by my sadness. He explained: This was my intense emotion. He even showed regretful. Suddenly, I thought whether I should express my apology or not because I had interrupted his intense emotion, and I hadn’t implemented an obligation only because of my ache and breathless. I made him disappointed as he made me disappointed. If we could return when I was a student, I would say: Excuse me, I bothered you. However, I didn’t do that today, I determined to keep a kind of dignity, even if which was little significant.

  “I didn’t want to hurt you at all.” the man said.

  “You have already hurt me.” this was what I meant to say, but I didn’t say because silence is a gold. What made me believe hurt has the reason to be excused? What made me believe firmly this kind of reason was absolutely true? No, the lies were pale, only the activity was emollient. What I got was the most reliable consolation of the man gave me, which was no doubt.

  “You had hurt me.”  I still could not help saying.

  “This is impossible.” the man said, “If I wanted to hurt you, I will hurt you forever. But I still choose to stop for you.” 

“Yes, thank you so much. Otherwise, I have no exit. It is you give me an opportunity to have a new life. I know.” I said.

  We couldn’t agree with each other consistently. I had to think, were these all my reasons? It was because of my desire I hoped to look for a man and to want a normal person’s life? With enthusiasm, today I hardly sank into the way to death. But this way was I had to walk along when I went to look for a man, perfectly deserved, having no doubt. The happiness and sweet attitude in my mind allowed me to accept violence gloriously, this kind of expressional accuracy let me think the love had came; the man I was looking for appeared finally. I can depend on him from now on! Perhaps this was nothing important, which was only small matter for me. Indeed ,there was nothing for me : If I can’t die ,I will live; If I can’t live, I will die. But there is also a kind of possibility from esteem men give me. This is probably true, they love our body and organs, but they also neglect our body and organs in the meantime; with violence, they make use of our body and organs, which makes me comprehend my problem, it lies in my wounds and pain in my body all the time, my spirit that suffered from disappointment …why can I breathe? Why can I have freedom? Because there is a kind of beautiful love poison in my body, so I am not afraid of violence, I also accept death, even the notorious reputation. I know, the venom have   permeated my soul, yeah, the venom for thousands of years has been soaking me in the past years.

  Not only my whole body started to ache but also my heart ache was difficult to endure, I thought that beautiful androphagous bird would come again; the most valid defense measure for my fearing was to wait for its approach, which was the way I can’t change anyway. I lied next to this man, who had already slept deeply. It seemed the world was so peaceful that the argument between man and woman had never taken place; even having small friction at certain moment, the woman would also do a compromise naturally.
  I was looking at the ceiling, waiting for a sharp beak to peck at my chest. I was so clean-headed that I always could not see its figure. It had been the deep night by this time, silent here and there, people were all sleeping sweetly; only I was still waiting for catching the opportunity to call up my spirit. However, it still didn’t appear before down, I felt disappointed, putting out strength to start to shut eyes to remember its beautiful feather, so the fact about its cannibalism can be hoodwinked completely.

  Finally, I met with it, it came over with mud of whole body; I guessed it must come to visit me from far place. The mud which was stained with its body meant a long journey. The distance made the feather temporarily became bald, losing charming sheen originally. This time, it didn’t stay in front of my chest but on my head, so I can’t be lured by its beauty or even appreciate its ghost appearance. I only felt the weight that was not a bird can fly but a building which could steamroller you. But it meant no case this, in vivid words it was another building on a building. Because of such kind of heaviness, so the claw of the bird can go deep into my brain continuously. The bird didn’t understand my words or it didn’t think at all my words were meaningful, so it had never talked with me even if a little. Certainly, at this time, I imagined lots of results, for example, it would make an effort before flying away that the sharp claws would insert into my skull like a sharp knife, then again quickly pull its claws out from the skull. Although my head was still strong, it would still become a piece of soft cake under the bird’s claws; Also probably it would not fly away because it haven’t stood enough on my head, which was not only soft but also have height; not only warm but also have no complaint, it can stay there comfortably as long as possible until I can not hold up, thoroughly stop breathing. Of these possibilities, this kind was the biggest. There was another great possibility that it would kill me in subsequent time because it understood the things inside of the brain are certainly fresher than the heart, which was its new discover and a new realm it formerly had never tried. The lure was much bigger than its greed for other parts of my body. Yes, the reason that it stood there always hoped to get something, otherwise it would not fly here to come to see me from the far-away place. It stood on my head, smelling apparently some kind of sweet thing, which kind of flavor was worthwhile mentioning and can also make its mind stronger.

  Certainly, by this time if someone saw it on my head,        he or she must think it was a common thing because all the people didn’t know it had been depending on eating person; and its magic power completely came from nourish in the blood and the meat. Perhaps it wouldn’t agree with this because it only took young and small animal as living, such as: moths, insects, small and weak reptiles ……all of which were its food, who can think it still kept strong interests in eating person?

  It stood on my head so long, besides, its claws were sharp and the body was over-weight, my skin of head began to break, the blood got more and more, more and more thicker, flowing down to the bottom of my face with hot temperature. At first, it covered my eyes, and then ran my whole face again afterwards. My face, which was shamed compared with people’s beauty stands, was finally swallowed by blood. People can’t recognize whether it was beautiful or ugly, just in red.

  You may say now, I should keep it from stopping over immediately, stretch out in right away to kick it out , make its steady encounter the danger of unbalance. But, I found its claws had already prison ground in my skull, it was difficult to distinguish me from its original body, which was respectively independent Kingdom. All persons including those watching us thought we got along well with each other, only I felt the process of life disappearance and the anguish I can’t kick it out. Suddenly I laughed madly because only in this way I can accept the trample, allowing the blood to come out without destination, let the persons in the world know the blood is hot. But the wishes didn’t reform people, breaking people up on the contrary; people felt this was a fantastic trick, very interesting, dreaming of the charming bird finally would fly over sometime and also stay with them …Spread, all the people spread …

  I fell down because I am bloodshed, that bird ate up my essence; I fell down because I had become the food for the beautiful bird and all the beasts that would like to peck my corpse.

  When I opened my eyes, my whole body was sweating heavily, I knew that I didn’t die, I was still breathing normally. Yeah, I was still living. I didn’t know when the androphagous bird flew away; I hadn’t known it forever, my heart appeared to be painful. But, I remembered it once said clearly near my ear:” The whole violence begins from sex.”

  I had a little confounded because the beautiful androphagous bird wasn’t able to talk or it has never talked. But my memory really appeared so clearly that it said this sentence to me in a certain time, or I would continue to be absorbed in its charming color.

  In order to avoid the man whom I wanted to marry thoroughly, I had to leave for another store again. But the monthly salary was less 100 dollars compared to the original one.

  After leaving this man, I started to be disgusted with various imaginations and expressions concerning rose incredibly, various evidences expressed I must destroy the meaning for aesthetic.

  Regardless how hard I earned money, how rational I was, I spent much money buying fresh rose constantly, then tore them to pieces, making these fresh and gorgeous flowers become fragmented and disorganized.

  One day, seeing their lovely appearances when they were falling down to the ground, I picked them up and put them into my mouth to chew ……I wanted to taste its actual flavor. In fact, this kind of flavor was very special, they were usually used to make some perfume and fragrance .This kind of flavor attracted me for a long time afterwards, I even reduced everyday funds of the meal to buy a few roses and chew its fragrance. With such feelings, I passed lots of nights. This really brought me happiness, although I didn’t look for a man, I found another feeling. In fact it was not bad because I can not find the exit that I wanted, I certainly found out the exit I didn’t want, no matter how it was, I was still living.

  Time would not stop because of my small reason, as time passed, the roses became more and more, more and more withered, this kind of accumulating wasn’t from my love for them but basically for accumulating my failures, and now my mood seemed to be a kind of mood more in the accumulation. Of course, no one would notice my new fondness, or discovered my small space was full of withered flower petal; in contrast, my body seemed to be fresh and damp more and more. But, if someone stayed here for a little while, he would discover a magic power, or would be probably moved by these withered roses because their appearances were more charming than that when they were fresh and gorgeous. Sometimes, I felt embarrassed among them because I didn’t send out weak voice and become powder as them.  I still kept certain moist, and also can stretch at the same time, which was my false. Occasionally, seeing stars and moon on the doleful night, I reminded of the appearances when the flowers were in blossom and the meaning of happiness people gave it.

  In addition to remembering there were still 600 dollars rent every month, C didn’t need to see me at all; she could find the check in the first 5 days every month, forgetting there was still a woman who was the same as her in the small porch. The woman inside still had normal breath, she was thinking about continuing to live in the world, to look for something…Formerly, here once had been the necessary way to the back yard, but it became an apathetic district. Not only this, occasionally there was also ghost appearing, with rose together, entering or passing out in the dark corner, dreamed that wonderful life would approach in the future!

  In this condition, I was frightened to see a real person who can talk here; I preferred to stay with dumb thing. From then on, I called C landlord, which was so vivid to describe the relationship between us.

  Yes, all these seemed not enough to express my situation. I wished I was a ghost so I can appear or disappear immediately, if it was true, I could float somewhere I wanted to go, heaven or hell; even I can depend on man’s body or follow a woman , I could be beautiful as I wanted to be, I could be ugly as I wanted to be until no one noticed my face because I had no face at all; until there was basically no standard to restrict me because I was thoroughly free from standard rules; I found out a man, who really loved me. Then we got married, I wore a pure wedding dress, which kind of sanctity was matchless because I had no body, only having soul.

In fact, here was not lonely as I said because I found a noisy factor in the clipboard of the back wall. Every night, when all creatures fell asleep, the animal inside began to hold a party; they ran along the wall from the bottom to the top. Sometimes they yielded, which was like the sound people shouted after hearing secret news. If I didn’t make mistake, those must be a group of mice, who were happy families. It was difficult to sleep at night recently, so I can find them easily. Looking at the sky while my ears were looking for something, by this time, I can capture any object even if a little noise. I was not suitable for studying but suitable for hunting; my sensitive degree of the animal was far more than of human, although people are also called a kind of animal. But if one day, those animals control law, virtuous view, also power and money, that my sensitivity would be lower consumedly, even I would become an idiot.

  All of these were my luck; there was not only a kind of creature living in the back yard, the evidence of survival exceeded people’s imagination. There were not only mouse but also mountain cat, wild dog, field mouse and so on in the cluster; they usually visited my house if they wanted. And these small animals were not keeping hostility so deeply to the mankind; they expressed the good wishes to get along with me peacefully. Yes, this was true; they had never showed discontentment and hostility since I arrived here. What they did was the conclusion they made after their careful observation because the person didn’t want to take them as an enemy at all, the wishes which hoped earnestly to make friends with them hadn’t been scooped out all the time. The small sound was a big encouragement for me, was also an important factor that I continued to live in the world.
  In faith, at the beginning, the decision that the landlord chose the place for renting was made with meticulous care so that she can feel quite and noisy at the same time. Especially for the tenant like me, I can not only live but also live with interest，which was the desolate feeling for the relationships between persons but not for environment. Keeping off people here, there was no one’s evidence; this place had already been forgotten by the person. But, this didn’t mean it would be peaceful forever completely. There was a possibility that I would be cleaned up by the landlord someday, particularly I was still a woman. Therefore, the safety guarantee was from animal but not from people, this kind of safe factor was true safety.

  However, I lost something when I got something; the safety from body began to collapse. I usually felt stuffy in the morning, which kind of phenomenon was unprecedented. Once I kept thinking that my body can stand more heavy manual labor, my spirit can maintain the most common pressure, and currently I didn’t estimate enough. My mind and body dropped! I thought: This is only a small matter, I will be okay quickly. I haven’t been old yet, my body was still strong, which can make us continue to live in the United States.

  Was it my faithful friend in the mirror? It told me a fact: My facial expression was terrible. The color of my face was yellowish brown, eyes are melancholy, particularly my most satisfied double eyelids began to be edema; there was also my nose, which crooked in the cause of time flections, and this showed the iniquity of face, my mouth was also distortional deformation. All of these were just parts; the total was the most terrible combination. Formerly it was ugly, now it was irksome. I plaited suddenly: My god! Is this I? Is this the woman who shouldn’t be decrepit but have already been decrepit? Perhaps these strong feelings were too obvious because of my search? Perhaps they became stronger because I didn’t find out what I wanted? Yes, right, I must be tired. You know person always can’t take a rest because of his tiredness. I can’t find men but I can find myself, which was infinitesimal but grandiosity change, it was essential to sublimate!

I couldn’t sleep over the night when I was thinking of falling asleep sweetly. Looking at the sky, I imagined the stars and moon in the sky, there was also a ghost wandering in my brain，and it controlled my mind. I was so sleepy that I wanted to break my head to stop to take a rest. How difficult it was, my eyes had shut, but I was still considering…as long as day put bright, I would go to a school. How cruel it was, it seemed that the purpose I was living in the world was not to sleep forever!

  For me, this was not the most ruthless, the most ruthless affair was my weight had been descending; my breast lost original plentiful, they were like the head of the monster, falling to hang deeply in front of my chest. And my nipple also had lost that kind of light pink color, becoming dark brown. Formerly, it was outstanding and plentiful, where did the magic beast go? The breast made me enjoy life, I got self-confidence to live in the world because of its exit; it was also the breast, which made me pleased, also made me become a real woman .I can accept continuous failures, which destroyed my will completely, making me grieved. From now on, I thought I would keep men off, losing fun thoroughly…

I felt worried, but I didn’t know what the misgivings were and how to get rid of them.

  I felt very cold; there was a kind of algidity in my body. It was great heat by this time.

  Fortunately, I came over. When winter and autumn were fighting for the last warmth, there was no bigger trouble appearing in my body.

  Time flied, the days had passed for half a year, and Chinese New Year came. On the cold evening, there came lots of guests in the landlord’ house; I heard happy voice spreading from my back. My ear stood up stiller than the long ear of rabbit, C forgot there was also a Chinese, who was once her friend. My friend can forget me at any time, but she had no reason to forget me at this time. I cared this thing particularly because I needed to communicate with others very much, but people had intention not to communicate with me, making me more realize a desolate feeling so much. It seemed I had died. Was I really dead? I had no friend or man, so I had no friend and man more? My eccentric reached the peak, in the meantime I hoped people to forget me, and so I lost the possibility which communicated with persons. During a day, the most terrible thing was to go to school because there were so many people; the most comfortable thing was alone at home because there were no other people. But, I concerned the business of landlord more and more, such as when she went,  when she came back, whom was she closed with and so on…

  I produced envy to the landlord, that was because she secretly dated with a handsome man. At first I really didn’t know what the man looked like, only knew a man usually knocked at the front door of the landlord’s on the late night. I judged that the man’s appearance with my ear. His action was clean and neat, and he walked steadily. The voice was a little vital, but lost no calmness in his age. In my eyes, they kept an intimate relation between man and women, and which kind of secret relation was unhealthy.

Afterwards I also became accustomed to this kind of life style which was like a mouse, going and coming in the darkness. I can conjecture secretly the men and women were having illicit love in dreamlike condition, because the landlord didn’t know the wall behind my back had no soundproof result, although her main bedroom was not here but was on the second floor; but they always stayed in the living room for a short while. At this time, children were all sleeping, the circumferential neighbors all switched off lights, but I was still in high spirits to catch the illicit love voice with minor differences. Such of the behavior changed my sadness in some degree.

  Recently, I felt meaningful; it seemed that I can find out my happiness from listening to this kind of illicit love voice.

  This day, coming back from the shop, it was 12:00 P.M. When I was about to walk into the door leading to my back yard, I heard a voice: are you the tenant in this family?
I stopped and saw a middle-aged man in the moonlight. There was a kind of sharp-edged ray of light from his eyes.

He said with a cool-headed voice:” Can you help me to see whether the landlord is at home?” I was familiar with this voice, but I didn’t tell him.

  “She said she was at home, but totally no one came to open the door.” He explained to me.

  I felt grateful for his request because nobody would like to request me here, but always I requested other people. By so doing, I found I was still useful. But, what I felt regretful was I can’t help him, it was really a small thing but I wasn’t able to do it. About one month later after renting the building, the landlord separated the door she walked and I walked clearly, certainly she walked through the center door when I walked through the corner door. Although we were living under the same roof, actually I really didn’t know whether the landlord was at home or not. The only possibility was to listen to the action behind the wall after returning to my house. If there was action inside the building, I can tell him, perhaps the landlord was at home, but that only meant there was sound in the building. This was what I can do.

  But, I didn’t want to make this man disappointed, in other words, I didn’t want to make myself disappointed, which was the only reason I could talk to him. I discovered a sweet composition in his vision, being like sugar ear ate in my childhood. In fact, he had no thus of vision, which was only my illusion. There was only mild, interrogative, and selfish in his eyes. He wanted to get the answer he wanted as soon as possible, but I would like to stay with him more. I said:” She is certainly at home because it’s time for kids to sleep at this moment.”

“I know. But I knocked the door for a long time, no one came out.” He emphasized. I saw his outline was clear in the moonlight. He was that kind of man I liked, the shape was outstanding, and his face was handsome, just like the statue of the copper in front of me now, showing weight and strength. Hence I thought of sex very quickly, the belt with the secret voice behind the wall was sex every day. Who can lay aside this important factor but contentedly talk about a man, if he was a man. Certainly the reason I was excited was not only this, but also that kind of characteristic what the man brought, which was sweet. Only I can use this sweet, this feeling was other people can’t understand，it was also the factor that made sex active.

  “You’d better come in with me to see whether she is in.” I considered nothing about what he wanted to know, but something about the relationships between us, like we were partners.

  “That is great.” He said. Following me, I suddenly felt there was the shadow of androphagous bird. Its feather was so beautiful and vivid in the dark night, luring my behavior.
    He entered the corner door with me, and brought prosperous flatus here. All of sayings concerning quiet and desolate were gathering in my affection, I felt sad for my circumstances suddenly, I cried! And it was not that kind of sob carefully, but the weep loudly because no men had never visited here feeling. Such of feeling had already made me become the ghost in the wild; I lost the person’s characteristic gradually, nearing ghost’s characteristic more and more. This was to hoodwink those persons with intelligence quotient lowly in the nursery tale. But it wasn’t a nursery tale legend at all this night.

  This man was frightened; he certainly thought he must see a ghost. He walked away, like a wind; it seemed that he was running.

  It seemed that I had to experience the condition of the sorrow. After this, I became clear and relaxed. I continued to live in the cabin, as if I lived in the city from then on, but not in unmanned wild area. Though there was no difference from before, I was getting along with small animal as before. Although I didn’t find out a man, and there was also some trouble with my body, my request to sex aspect seemed to be more and more indifferent, which didn’t mean I had forgotten this kind of happy feeling, but the body didn’t express tension and discomfort feeling with anxious again.

  The trouble appearing on my body was like my need for food, lazy, not essential, can be little. I lost enthusiasm and temperature to all things, at the same time; I expressed doubt and disaffection towards anything. I was tired of obeying rules; to behavior weirdly was my best life style. I didn’t need to make myself become a woman with excellent personal conduct; I didn’t feel shy in front of men, which made no meaning for me.

  The man to visit my landlord hadn’t come for a long time, which made me fall to discomfort feeling because I worried he had been frightened. In fact, he was really frightened a lot. At a dark night, an unfamiliar woman had never seen started to weep loudly suddenly. Was this done by true person or by false ghost? He certainly thought of “retribution”, concerning all of evil things he did from his memory on his way home.

  Several days later, I met a man at a night again when I came back from work. Smoking slowly, he squatted down near the door which I passed in and out every day. At this time, the weak light in the bottom of the cigarette showed his face, “My god! This is the man I decided to marry. How did he find here?”

  I walked over him with doubt. He stood up, still raising a rose in hand. Because of darkness, I can’t see what the rose looked like, but I reminded of that greasy, silky rose.

  I pretended to see nothing and kept going forward, he kept up with me later on, and walked with me shoulder by shoulder. This made me feel suffer a lot all over the body; I put my footstep slowly to break this kind of form, by doing this he and I were not at the same of level. However, following me, he also put footstep slowly in order to keep consistent with me. I stopped, he also stopped, face to face, he said:” I miss you very much, let us recover the old relation.” He didn’t seem to be so old, but I always felt there was a kind of decrepitude between us. Then, he passed the rose to me, waiting me to hold it.

  “What about your wife?”  I asked.

  “She won’t influence us.”

  “What about me?”

  “I usually remind of you.”

  “What makes you remind of me? Is my breast or making love?”

  “Miss your all.” He said.

  “This was only your way to express your wishes, but what I thought was to become a person, you wife but not your chess” I knew he was just seeking a body organ to take out, which was more than seeking a prostitute. If this happened in the previous time, I would certainly rush toward his bosom, shutting up eyes, enjoying warmth, which was hungry feeling I needed. As long as I compromise a little bit, I can get a warm hug, one kiss, one wonderful night life ……all of these were what I was addicted to and look forward to. I wanted to find out the answer in his vision, but his vision was scattered by the moonlight, being buried by darkness again. There was darkness except darkness.

  He stood there, and had no meaning to leave. Maybe he thought my attitude was just the impulse of kid’s sort, and the world would be peaceful a little while later. I knew this was the way he asked question; in this way, he was to let me give in and then felt it was not easy to have such a meeting. He wanted to make me know that I had no necessity to leave him; I can take it easy to shuttle in his life. It was no necessity to hate rose so bitterly, taking rose as my favorite thing.

  This time I was inattentive to remove hunger, but cared more staying hungry because staying hungry had already been a piece of cake for me. I said to myself: “Your hunger is limited, it will remove quickly. If you don’t go to bed all the time, tiredness will drive away my hungry feeling without a trace.”

  The self-respect expressed powerfully the importance of disobeying a man as a woman. Certainly, the man would also try to save his self-respect, looking for new way to relieve the beset on his way. I was held tightly by a pair of powerful hands, and he was making an effort to pull me to his bosom. This moment, I didn’t notice other things, just noticing the rose dropped onto the ground, and which was trampled by his feet. The rose was broken up; I still didn’t make sure what quality the flower was because the day was too dark. However, the rose must not that kind of being open, it was not fresh again.

  I felt dangerous, which was from the intense emotion started by the violent possibility, I said confirmedly “No!” Then I walked away, like flying.

  This was my first time to refuse a man. He went away today; perhaps he would not come back again tomorrow.

LI Hong
Translated by Hou Shu yun