ONE, TWO, THREE, JUMP! (The Global Warming Play)

Ian Gaskell

(A Fijian man, Apete, saunters in SL and stands C staring vaguely out at the view.  After a short pause an Indo-Fijian, Shailesh, enters SR.  He, too, is in no particular hurry. He joins Apete, looks at the same view.) 

(After a longish silence)

Apete: Morning Shailesh

Shailesh: Morning Apete

(Long pause, Shailesh, yawning, running finger around collar, unsticking shirt from back)

Shailesh: It’s hot.

Apete: Mm…

(pause)

Shailesh: Hotter than yesterday

Apete: Uh, huh.

(pause)

Shailesh: And yesterday was hotter than the day before yesterday

Apete: Yep…

(pause)

Shailesh: The day before yesterday was hotter than the day before that

(pause)

Apete: (looks at Shailesh) So what are you saying?

Shailesh: I’m detecting a trend

Apete: (a question, but downward inflection) A trend

Shailesh: When I was a kid it wasn’t this hot

Apete: (considering) It was cooler

Shailesh: That’s what I’m saying.  It was less hot

Apete: More cool

(a take to each other, pause)

Shailesh: Global warming

Apete: What?

Shailesh: It’s the result of global warming

(pause)

Apete: (understanding) Ahhh….That’s the trend …

Shailesh: The what?

Apete: …that you were… “detecting”. (slight pause) You were detecting a trend

Shailesh: Yes

Apete: The Americans say global warming hasn’t been proved.

Shailesh: Well, they would wouldn’t they. They refused to sign the Kyoto Accord…. No, no, it has been proved.  The scientists have proved it.

Apete: Which scientists?

Shailesh: Lots of them.  It’s now accepted as a scientific fact.

Apete: How have they proved it?

(pause)

Shailesh: (making it up) They have instruments…scientific instruments

Apete: Yeah? What kind of instruments

(pause)

Shailesh: Things that measure the temperature. … They have…They have a really big thermometer

Apete: A thermometer

Shailesh: Yes, a gigantic thermometer…enormous… (pause) It’s a rectal thermometer.

Apete: A rectal thermometer

Shailesh: Yes, a rectal thermometer.  They’re more accurate.

Apete: More accurate than what?

Shailesh: More accurate than the regular kind of thermometer.  …They (beat) insert the rectal thermometer into the earth in just the right place (beat) if you get my meaning.

Apete: Where would that special place be, do you think?

Shailesh: Probably somewhere near Labasa

(pause)

Apete: That makes sense

Shailesh: Yeah, have you ever been to Labasa?

Apete: Yeah

Shailesh: So, you know what I mean

Apete: Yeah

(pause)

Shailesh: It’s a global problem, the warming

Apete: Right…Melting ice caps…oceans rising (gesturing to the ocean) how does it look to you today?

Shailesh: Higher. (pause) You know in Tuvalu they’re all standing waist deep in water….Their arms are getting tired

(pause)

Apete: Why are their arms getting tired?

Shailesh: From holding up the picnic baskets

Apete: Why are they holding up picnic baskets?

Shailesh: To stop the sandwiches from getting soggy….there’s nothing worse than a soggy sandwich

(pause)

Apete: Yeah…so, Tuvalu is a really bad place for a picnic

Shailesh: Almost as bad as Labasa

(joint amused reaction)

(pause)

Apete: (resigned) Well there’s nothing we can do about it.  What can one person…or even two people… do about global warming?

(pause)

(a look of concentration comes over Shailesh’s face.  He’s thinking. Crosses below Apete, looking up at the sun. looking out, thinking hard)

Shailesh: (slowly, deliberately, thinking as he speaks) Wait a second….I have an idea forming in my head.  (looks up at sun which is above and slightly to the left and down at the ground, and back again,  uses hands, measuring the distance.) Maybe, just maybe

(Reaches into pocket and pulls out lighter, stares at lighter, ignites it and looks up at sun.  Staring at the lighter in his left hand, he reaches out with his right hand and says…) Give me your hand

(Apete, somewhat reluctantly holds out his hand. Shailesh grabs his wrist and slowly, very slowly brings Apete’s hand and the lighter closer, and closer together. Staring at the diminishing space between the two objects in his hands, he says, with fascinated intensity…) Notice how, as your hand gets closer to the flame, you start to feel the heat

Apete: (fairly alarmed) Yes

Shailesh: (bringing them still closer) And how it gets hotter and hotter the closer you get?

Apete: (now, very worried) Yes Shailesh: (moving the hand and the flame further apart) And how, when they move apart it feels cooler?

Apete: (quite relieved) Yes

Shailesh: (very excited) So, don’t you see?  The flame is the sun and your hand is the earth.

Apete: Umm…no, I don’t get it.

Shailesh: (not listening, back to the big idea, looking somewhat crazed, staring out at a vision in his head, speaking rapidly) Maybe I’m crazy, but I think this might just work …Ok, try and keep up with me here…. we can’t do anything about the sun…  it’s hot and too far away…but the earth, we’re right here and if we got enough …(takes out mobile phone) …calculator, calculator…got it…what’s the weight of the average person…? … quick, quick…

Apete: (mystified, but trying to help) Maybe…I don’t know …about 130lbs?

Shailesh: (furiously pressing buttons) Ok, ok… and figure that each person takes up about …what do you think?  Two cubic metres? . ..So …if my calculations are correct, …and we got enough people…and all those people jumped at precisely the same time, then maybe, just maybe, we could actually change the orbit of the earth a tiny bit and move it slightly away from the sun … (stops, astonished at his own conclusion) making the earth a bit cooler

(pause)

Apete: (slowly, recapitulating in an attempt to grasp the idea) Let me get this straight. You want a whole bunch of people to jump at the same time, so that the earth moves away from the sun a little bit

Shailesh: (still astonished) Yes

(pause)

Apete: So…how many people would that take?

Shailesh: (absently, glancing down at the phone calculator) 600 million

(pause)

Apete: 600 million people?

Shailesh: More or less…but no one under the age of (makes some calculations)…seven

(pause)

Apete: (sarcastic) Is there an upper age limit?

Shailesh: (ignoring him, bubbling with enthusiasm) I can’t believe no one has thought of this before.  It’s so simple.  That’s it; the really great ideas are all simple

Apete: (somewhat less enthusiastic) So, getting 600 million people together to jump at the same time is your idea of simple

Shailesh: (brushing away the difficulties) It would be fantastic; like Live Aid or that other thing that Bob Geldoff did. He got a knighthood.  (rhapsodizing, possibly pacing) It would be all the people gathered together in peace and harmony to make the world a better place for you and for me.

Apete: (more sarcasm) Would you be providing lunch, do you think?

Shailesh: (to himself) International cooperation!

Apete: (actually thinking about the details)  Toilet facilities

Shailesh: (to himself) Finally, people making something happen !

Apete: (to himself) How could they all jump at the same time?

Shailesh: (to himself) Making a difference!

Apete: (to himself) A big sound system?

Shailesh: (to himself) Solidarity !

Apete: (to himself) Security !

Shailesh: Sir Shailesh Lal !

Apete: (to Shailesh) Excuse me, Sir Shailesh…How would you get them to all jump at the same time?

Shailesh: What?

Apete: How would you get them to all jump at the same time?

(pause)

Shailesh: (dismissive of the irritating details) Well, you know, whatever…On a count of three, probably.

Apete: On a count of three.

Shailesh: Yes, you know…one, two, three, jump!

Apete: Oh. (pause) Do you think we should practice it before we gather the multitudes?

Shailesh: (humouring him) Sure.  … (graciously) Hey, would you like to do the count?

Apete: (quite overcome by the honour) Oh…well…I…

Shailesh: (gesturing) Imagine them all, the multitudes, all looking at us

(They get into position side by side.  A bit of flexing, deep breathing, voice work from Apete.  Shailesh waving to the imagined crowd, picking out a few friends in the multitude like a lounge singer)

Apete: (stage whisper) I’m a bit nervous

Shailesh: (stage whisper) You’ll be fine

Apete: OK, Ready?

(They crouch a bit)

Shailesh: This is exciting isn’t it?

Apete: One, two … (pause)  What if we get it wrong, this is a big responsibility.

Shailesh: How can we possibly get one, two, three, jump wrong?

(They reassume the crouching position)

Apete: One, two, three, jump!

(They get it wrong.  Apete jumps on “jump”; Shailesh jumps after “jump”.  They look at each other)

Shailesh: We’re supposed to land together

Apete: (Trying to work it out) Was that “one, two, three, jump” and we jump on “jump” or was it “one, two, three, jump” and then we jump?

(They have a bit of a think)

Shailesh: What do you think?

Apete: I think we should jump on “jump”.

Shailesh: Right.  OK.

(They prepare)

Apete: One, two, three, jump! (they jump, on “jump”, landing together) Yesss! Okay! Bring on the multitudes. (wanting to high five or something)

Shailesh: (who has noticed something) Wait a second.  The sun is actually over there a bit (pointing up and left) We have to jump a bit to the right.  (He is now gesturing diagonally from sun to ground) Otherwise we’ll be sending the earth in the wrong direction

(They try it a few times, jumping diagonally on Apete’s count, maybe some stepping on feet, etc. gradually moving SR)

Apete: OK, I think we’ve got it.  Hey you know what would be good.  Let’s try it with a few of these people. (to the audience) Hi there.  We’d like few volunteers.

Shailesh: (to the audience) It’s for a scientific experiment.  You’ll be helping to save the world

Apete: And make it a better place for you and for me

(With the usual blandishments e.g. we need to work together on this, stand up, make a difference, everyone’s depending on you, etc., they get some audience members, arrange them in a line, Apete at one end, Shailesh at the other facing each other, audience members facing rest of audience. They get them jumping in unison somewhat diagonally. Lots of coaching, threats to send certain people back to their seats if they get it wrong, etc.)

(At an appropriate point after the audience members have done it several times quite well)

Shailesh: Hold it! (pause, crossing down centre below audience victims, joined by Apete) Have you noticed something? (pause) Is it my imagination, (beat) or does it feel slightly cooler to you?

Apete: (alert, aware, testing the air, checking his armpits) You know, it does feel a bit cooler.

Shailesh: (bewildered) How could that be?

Apete: (concerned for his sanity) Maybe we’re delusional

(slight pause, small take)

Shailesh: No, no… I sense a change! It’s definitely cooler

Apete: Well… (looking back at audience victims, then out) they’re a fine bunch, but hardly a multitude. (beat)  You said 600 million.

Shailesh: Well, I’ve never been good with maths

Apete: Now you tell me

(They pace back and forth, below the on-stage audience members crossing each other and returning)

Shailesh: (thinking, seeking an answer) Perhaps it was done with the right energy, or spirit, or perhaps they’re special people, or maybe it happened at just the right, precise moment in Earth’s orbit around the sun

Apete: (thinking) Maybe it’s because we did it so many times in succession

Shailesh: Huh?

Apete: It could be cumulative

(pause)

Shailesh: (triumphant) Eureka! I’ve got it!  It’s chaos theory

Apete: Chaos theory?

Shailesh: Yes, you know…a butterfly flaps its wings in China and three months later there’s a cyclone in the Caribbean.  Tiny cause—big effect. (wonderment) Everything’s connected.

Apete: Amazing!

(They “high five”, thank the individual audience victims, big handshakes, lots of “you really made a difference, the world owes you big time”, etc. sending the victims back to their seats.) 

Shailesh: Wow … so, how do you feel now, eh?

(pause)

Apete: Actually, I’m feeling a bit chilly

Shailesh: Now you mention it (small pause)…it’s actually quite cold.  (beat) Talk about a temperature drop.

(They do a slow take with each other, then out)

(simultaneously)

Apete & Shailesh: Uh oh!

(They look up at the sun)

Shailesh: Does it look further away to you?

Apete: Yep

Shailesh: What are we going to do?

Apete: I’m thinking about going home for sweater

Shailesh: For God’s sake, man! We’ve moved the Earth too far. We’re all going to freeze. It’ll be another ice age.

Apete: Well, it was your idea

Shailesh: We need a solution. This isn’t about blame

Apete: Tell that to the police

Shailesh: There’s got to be something…Wait a moment, (the big idea forms) I’ve got another idea

Apete: (sarcastically) Oh…good

Shailesh: Imagine a globe.  What’s directly opposite to Fiji on the other side of the world? (thinking hard)

Apete: (elsewhere) I think I just saw a snow flake.

Shailesh: Got it! …I was always good at geography

Apete: Better than your maths, then

Shailesh: (pulling out phone) It’s got a note pad built in.

Apete: You’re going to take notes?

Shailesh: (very pleased with himself) I made a list of all the country codes

Apete: Wow…that’s really…  (small take to audience) … convenient

Shailesh: Just for emergencies, you know.

Apete: This qualifies

(Shailesh frantically works his phone, while Apete walks around flapping his arms for warmth, blowing on fingers, rubbing arms, etc.)

Shailesh: Yes… there it is…Ok …international code …country code…umm…operator, I guess…

Apete: Wow…I’ve never seen snow before

Shailesh: (excited) It’s ringing!  Yes…um … (beat) Bonjour!  (very broken, anglicized, with explanatory gestures) uh…je voudrais …que … toute la monde ...là…(to Apete) what’s jump in French?… (getting no help)…jumpez …à le même temps…tout ensemble (pause).  They hung up. So much for international cooperation.

Apete: Maybe they were depressed about the World Cup…Perhaps you should have asked them to all simultaneously head butt the earth

Shailesh: Well, at least we know where the enormous rectal thermometer is.

Apete: What about the Americans?

Shailesh: No, George Bush will be happy because, even as we speak, oil prices are going up around the world. His family is tight with the Saudis. The Americans won’t help unless it’s in their interest. They’re the chief cause of the problem in the first place—fossil fuel-dependent.  Anyway, they’re in the wrong place; they’d just push us sideways.

Apete: We could harpoon a few whales as a good will gesture to the Japanese

Shailesh: Sideways in the other direction—same with the Chinese.  No, it’s got to be Europe

Apete: Isn’t Germany close to France?

Shailesh: I don’t speak German

Apete: I do

Shailesh: (astonished) You do?

Apete: (modestly) Well. Just a smattering.  I picked it up watching the World Cup

(Apete does imitation of the annoying advertisement, complete with dance)

“Nein…Play for Pepsi…uh huh, uh huh, da da da, da da da,”

(Shailesh watches appalled, Apete peters out)

(Pause)

Shailesh: (starting to cry) It’s all my fault.  I didn’t think it through

Apete: (crossing to him, comforting) There, there …

(They stand together, dejected, in silence)

Shailesh: I’m so cold

Apete: (thinking hard) Wait a second…I have an idea forming in my head

(suddenly energized) Get everyone back on stage. It’s Plan B.

(They round up the audience victims again)

OK, everyone go to a tree

(The audience victims are directed by Apete to imaginary trees, unless, of course, the performance is taking place in a forest clearing with actual trees nearby)

Shailesh: (manic) Yes, yes, we’ll chop down the trees, make a big bonfire, get warm.  Maybe we’ll produce enough greenhouse gas to start warming the earth again

Apete: (in passing while he is organizing the on stage audience) No, Shailesh.  The trees are our friends. They help the environment. (to on stage audience) OK everyone grab their trees.

Shailesh: (manic) Yes, yes, that’s it.  Hug the trees. Hug the trees. The outpouring of love will warm us from within

Apete: (joining Shailesh DC) No, here’s the idea.  Maybe we can pull the earth back up to its proper place. (to the on stage audience) OK, everyone crouch down, all together now, on three.  One, two three…LIFT!

Shailesh: That’s brilliant.

Apete: Well, all the really great ideas are simple

Shailesh: I’ll count.  You stay here to see if it’s working

(Shailesh runs up stage)

One, two three LIFT! … (shouts to Apete) Anything?

Apete: I’m not sure, try it again

Shailesh: One, two three LIFT! …

(pause, Apete testing the air)

Apete: I think it’s working!  (pause) Yes, definitely.  I think we’re almost there! Try it one more time!

Shailesh: Ok, everyone together.  We can do this. One, two three LIFT! …

(suspenseful pause)

Apete: YES!  YES! We’ve done it!

(Repeat the thanking routine, e.g.”not often you get to save the world twice” etc. getting audience back to seats)

(Apete and Shailesh centre)

Shailesh: Well, it’s been an interesting morning.

Apete: Yes

Shailesh: Do you think we’ve learned anything?

(pause)

Apete: Climate change is difficult to control?

Shailesh: Maybe we need to think it through a little better.

Apete: I liked the bit where everyone worked together

Shailesh: Yes…perhaps if we moved forward together one small step at a time

(slight pause)

Apete: One small step for man—

Shailesh: —One giant …jump for mankind

(pause)

Shailesh: So, same time tomorrow?

Apete: Sure

Shailesh (as he crosses right to exit)What’s the topic for tomorrow?

Apete: (as he crosses left to exit) Littering

(They exit) THE END Ian Gaskell is a theatre director and designer, and is the first Professor of Theatre Arts at USP. He is from Canada where he has worked as both an academic and professional theatre artist.