A Mystery

Wished there was a way
to convey to you
my journey at this stage ...
When reasons fail me,
and lack of understanding
        seems blinded by darkness
I can’t get out of!
Feels like
         a stumbling block
A mystery to myself
as I thought I’ve out grown
this type of dilemma.

I feel like a dry desert,
my soul burnt to cinders
In my solitude I try
         to pray
My thoughts stray
         and can’t recall
What am I praying for?
If theres a purpose
         show me how, why
But not to leave me in this
         cloud of uncertainty ...

For Mahina Your daughter          makes me feel responsible          for your absence from home I telephoned her          she bombarded me          With questions as to your whereabouts? When are you coming back? She wants her mother. Sad for me to admit I do feel responsible          everytime I see          hear her voice I wanted to cry          when she carried on You being away so long          couldn’t understand          Why you had to go Even if it’s only 3 1/2 weeks on the job. Now, we both know          It’s a bloody long time          I’ve never felt so foolish          As when your little one looked          at me knowingly -                  she’s given up asking!

Nukunonu I could not survive inside your rules ... I could not confine myself to such limits! instead, i left because you tied me down Killing my individualism victimising me for having grown on destined shores Yet, I returned to you ... in my womb lies the cord that could never be broken ... I think I’ve become deaf to the sound of your tone!

Songs of My Homeland drumbeat stimulating awakening the inner cords of my senses ... One we remain in the beat of the pokihi lyrics of the world we live in ... For in our songs, dance beat are we truly One to the SPIRIT we dare to sing ... The after myth is reality another story that will always hinder our unity ...

My Spirit is carefree          slowly dancing          from shore to shore          from one season to the next          weaving my soul inside out          spinning, rolling, drifting out          to the high seas          ocean of my Polynesian heredity. The lagoon of my heart          happily dancing on the          gentle waves on the beach Sitting under the coconut tree Wind caressing my skin playfully          soothing me into childhood memories. In the stillness of the moment God has given me another          dawn come what may that I may never forget my appreciation beautiful colours of the rainbow in the sky. Lyrics of my soul          beautiful music to my ears alone You have given, taken          that I may learn to grow! Without You I would be lost I live for this moment          my spirit has encountered that my heart          may learn the secret          of my soul fleeting as it is at times!

Thoughts astray on shores afar stroke of pen on paper thinking of home. vast ocean divided by words unspoken save to utter in the dawn of my mind. the longing to see, touch, smell, and feel that gentle breeze of home. i picked a ‘tialetiale’ in the drizzling rain, lingering with scents of home. picked the flower on foreign shores and thought of you; asleep in your cocoon. while I struggle in my will to survive with this pen, paper. hope of seeing you again is my only wish!

You Left me behind at the age of 28 or i who left home at 20 years of age? to me you were a tower of strength i couldn’t overcome… Old, you were set in your ways Young, as i was couldn’t understand… i choose to live away from home in search for something i never knew Out of your 7 children i set out into the ocean sailing from shore to shore… until the wind brought news of my sudden loss! Dragged my feet home to say farewell to your departed soul already at peace… in my tears were a thousand words too late to be spoken my heart heavy from grief for your sudden departure… Too young i remained too late to understand! You have gone, but you left a legacy behind family traditions you embedded into our hearts at times i find so hard to follow but with the best you gave Dad i’m trying…

Flame of Hope You stand there beside me symbol of spirituality melting tear flows from your side like a volcano adorn your presence… if I should touch you i’d feel the warmth of your essence though I cannot hear you i can feel you sway to and from a launiu in the stillness of dawn… i knew you had come only to leave again with the morning dew when your scent lingers then drifts again across the sky a flicker of hope shining in life’s shadow…

Nga Korero Aoteatea kept thinking of you today supposed to have met up but was not to be… I needed to be on my own and browsed around at the Dowse Art Museum… walking through “Nga Korero Aoteatea Ko te kai a te Rangatira” it was great but lonely… I needed to journey back to the Kaupapa of Te Tangata Whenua… on the walls were a thousand years of history tupuna ancestors people iwi hapu tribe… in my aching soul felt your presence there walking with me but unseen… felt trapped in time another place living memories I saw my tupuna in your people sad eyes tell no lies… the wounds longing to be healed tears I felt inside - but couldn’t cry so profound are their stories eyes of sadness - so haunting where do I find you? where do I begin? i’m here to learn - show me the way… teach me not to see with my eyes but through my heart that I can begin to understand the light of hope in the shadows of their voices… © T M Pasilio, 9 November 2007